If I Can’t Be Your Wife

Are you going to provoke me like this? Rejecting me in front of others?

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If you only knew what I did for you in the Imperial Palace, I wonder if you can keep that calm expression on your face.

 

– It’s not meal time yet, but you’re here.

– ……Are you here now?

– There was a lot more work to be done than I expected.

 

Ah.

 

As the memories of the past came to his mind suddenly, the burning feeling in his stomach froze in an instant.

 

What was her facial expression then?

No matter how much I think about it, I can’t remember.
It must have been different from now.
Was it an angry expression? I can’t recall.

 

He tried to retrace the memory and looked into her pale blue eyes that were silently staring down at a teacup. 

 

Clearly, back then, I sent a letter and asked her to join me.
Why was I late? Why did I make her wait…..

 

I don’t remember.

 

This meant that promise didn’t have much worth to Alexis Walten at that time.
That it wouldn’t hurt to forget it, and if he was late, she would always be there waiting for him to come back, then they would just proceed as planned.

 

That’s why I would have forgotten.

Because I knew Kathleen Walten wouldn’t be mad.

 

His chest tightened.
Partly because of the regrets from looking back on the past, but a bigger reason than that was, ironically, joy.

 

How truly appalling.

She asked to be let go, she said she wanted to leave, but when he realized she wanted him to experience how awfully he treated her in the past, he became filled with joy.
Every blood vessel connected to his heart pounded like it was about to burst.

 

If you had an empty heart for me, you wouldn’t be able to do that.
Hate is an action that could only be done with emotion, whether it was sadness or resentment.

 

Returning what he had given.

Alexis was not afraid.
As long as she didn’t leave this place or his side, even if she wanted to pour out all those old feelings, that was good enough.

 

“You can get more people if you want.
You don’t have to work too hard to save the Duchess’ prestige.”

 

Kathleen’s pale blue eyes blinked slowly a few times.
The eyes that looked like they were searching immediately refused.

 

“I don’t need it.
I don’t need to worry about the prestige I didn’t have before.”

“Kathleen.”

“Didn’t you want to drink tea?”

 

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Without her handmaiden to attend to her, Kathleen reached out her hand, took a chilled teapot and poured tea.

 

She let the tea in Alexis’ cup overflow, then poured hers just enough to fill the bottom.

 

Picking up the teacup with an incredibly elegant movement, she said.

 

“Drink.”

 

Alexis stared at the light green tea in the clear tea cups.
His, that was filled to the brim that he could see the ripples, and hers, shallow enough to disappear in just one sip.

It occurred to him that the amount of tea was equal to the depth of emotions.

 

Was it different 4 years ago?

Back then, was his heart also on the floor? Were his emotions about to overflow and spill over the edge like this teacup now? He couldn’t tell. 

 

“What did you want to say?”

 

She asked, putting down her empty teacup.
Alexis beckoned, sending all the nearby servants away.

 

“Nothing.”

 

Alexis slowly lifted the teacup.
Her marble-smooth face cracked for a moment.

 

“What do you mean? You called me but you don’t have anything to say?”

“Are we supposed to see each other only when we have something to say to each other?”

 

Alexis put down the cup and measured the height of the tea.
Two sips? Perhaps it was possible in three.

 

“It’s not unusual for couples to have tea time like this.”

“…..”

“I called you to have tea.
That’s all.”

 

She sat still.
She didn’t smile, she didn’t speak.
Still, she didn’t leave her seat right away, so Alexis was happy with that.

 

He took his time, deliberately savoring tea he didn’t like.
His nerves were so focused on the woman in front of him that he mistakenly thought that the already cold tea was warm.

 

The woman who was his wife.

 

In the heavy silence, Alexis took the teacup and swallowed the last sip.

 

“If you’re done drinking, can I go back now?”

 

A quiet voice came out as if it had been waiting.

 

“It’ll be time for dinner when Luci wakes up.”

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“Let’s go together.”

“You don’t have to do that.
Just attending tea time would have been enough to deceive the servants’ eyes.”

“Deceive?”

“Acting like you’re affectionate to Luci, I know what your intentions are.”

 

There was no resentment in the pale blue eyes that quietly gazed at him.
The joy that had filled was quickly pushed away like a low tide and disappeared.

 

“You said you didn’t bring him to be used, but you will eventually use him.
Aren’t you going to tell Her Majesty the Empress that Luci is not the Duke’s child?”

“That’s…..”

“Don’t say that it’s to protect me.”

 

Cutting him off, Kathleen’s face was colder than ever.

 

“Can you swear that you have never imagined Her Majesty’s despairing face?”

“…..”

“If you can’t swear, Luci has already become a tool to the Duke like me.
That’s why you’re treating him well.
Her Majesty the Empress will not be able to reveal that Luci is not of imperial blood, so the Duke will disguise himself as a caring father in the eyes of others.
To make her suffer even more.”

 

He couldn’t refute.

Even though he wondered how she even thought that far, the fact that her words weren’t wrong pierced his chest even more.

 

Could he even say that he never imagined the empress in despair? Was his only reason for revealing the truth to the empress just so that she wouldn’t take the child away?

 

The swirling emotions unknowingly unveiled the sincerity hidden underneath.

 

“Because he resembles you.”

 

He didn’t deny it.
While acknowledging the reality she pointed out, he brought forth his own truth.

 

“He looks like you so the child caught my eyes.”

“…..”

“Because the color of his hair and the color of his eyes are the same as yours.
From his forehead down to his chin, there is no corner that doesn’t look like you, so I can’t take my eyes off him.”

 

Her white hand holding the teacup trembled.

 

“…… I already told you that he is not the Duke’s child.”

“I know.
As long as he’s your baby, it doesn’t matter.”

“If Luci didn’t look like me…”

 

After a while she asked.

 

“Then you wouldn’t be interested?”

 

What if he had been a child who resembled another man’s face?

Alexis quietly thought of an unknown face.
But it wasn’t easy.
The northern blood flowing through her would have somehow passed on her silver hair and blue eyes.

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Then there was only one answer.

 

“As long as he’s your child, it doesn’t matter who he looks like.”

 

If it’s a child who even had the tiniest traces of you, I would place him by my side until the end.

 

But you won’t.
You’ll try to get away from me somehow.

 

Alexis wanted to stop this meaningless conversation and just hold her.
He wanted to ask what he could do so she would hold on to him and abandon her desire to leave.
But even at this moment, he had no choice but to speak about her son.

 

“Think of his future.
We grew up as illegitimate children, but we can’t make him go through that.”

“You are mistaken, Duke.”

 

Kathleen got up from her seat and put down her teacup loudly.

 

“Luci had a father.
Rather, it is you and no one else who made him look like an illegitimate child.”

 

Then she turned her back.

Unlike the first time, the gray shawl that had been draped over her shoulders fell to the grass at her hasty steps.

 

Alexis picked it up.
The fabric that touched his fingers was warm, but his heart ached at her cold appearance.

 

But it was fine.

Seeing her angry at his words meant that she still had feelings.

 

She wasn’t completely indifferent so he could still hold on to a string of hope.

 

***

 

When the sun went down, she put the child to sleep and went back to the bedroom.
And when the sun came up again, she woke up according to her habit.

 

“Madame, you’re already awake? Master wants to have breakfast with you, should I tell them to prepare?

“Tell them I can’t go down because I’m not feeling well.”

 

At Kathleen’s words, the same as always, the maid nodded her head and left.
Fortunately, he did not hold her handmaiden responsible for conveying her refusal.

 

There was still a little bit of time left before Emily brought Luci back.
Kathleen pulled her knees up and hugged them, looking out at the sun shining through her window.

 

– He looks like you so the child caught my eyes.

– As long as he’s your child, it doesn’t matter who he looks like.

 

His words from a few days ago kept ringing.
When she came to her senses, she felt dreadful.

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He said that as if he was afraid of sand spilling through his hands.
Kathleen did not believe that his words were false either.
However, she believed that he was just mistaking that for love.

 

Anyone can say such a thing.
He would pretend to break the shackles in order to catch the flying bird and break its wings again.
It would even be easier if you take its eggs.

 

Once he succeeds in locking her back in the cage, he would change.
If he admits that his feelings for her were as common and useless as the stones at his feet, he would turn away indifferently.
That was the Alexis that Kathleen knew.

 

As long as she persists and holds on, he will one day get tired of her.
However, she could not easily predict when that would be.
Joseph had not yet been found and, above all, she had to leave before Luci grew further.

 

She let out a long sigh.

 

“Madame, I brought the young master.”

 

Emily entered the bedroom with Luci in her arms.

 

“You’ve grown up again, my son.”

 

She held her child in her arms while clearing her dark thoughts.
Emily said with a grin.

 

“Madame, it looks like the master is about to start walking.”

“Already?”

“Yes.
Did you see him trying to grab a spoon at dinner last night? He’s also a bit faster than his peers.
When he got up this morning, he could stand alone.
Sometimes he even takes a step or two.”

 

Emily praised Luci with a slightly fascinated expression.
It was the first time she had seen such a smart and strong baby, and she wasn’t just saying it, it was true.

 

“It seems that the young master only inherited the good things from his parents.
Perhaps the features are from the Madame, and his strength is from the Master… Oh.”

 

Emily, who had been speaking in an excited voice while wiping the baby food that had fallen on the table with a napkin, realized what she was saying and stopped abruptly.
Kathleen only smiled bitterly.

 

Even though she had been told that he wasn’t Alexis’ child, Emily kept forgetting.
Before her child’s face could be revealed, she had to get out of this place as soon as possible.

 

Kathleen pretended not to hear.
She lifted the spoon again and held it out to the child sitting opposite her.

 

“Luci, would you like to eat a little more?”

 

But the child, who had been beaming, suddenly became stiff, shivered and then fainted.

 

“Luci!”

 

Her head couldn’t process it.
Kathleen hurriedly got up and hugged her convulsing child.

 

***

 

Hi guys! I’m so sorry for the dwindling updates recently (T⌓T).
Work has been a bit tiring lately so I have less energy and time to tl.
I’m so sorry to our sponsors who have been waiting for their chapters but I promise to get them out as soon as I can.