Chapter 45 – “Was My Love Letter Thrown Away By You?”

The exposure of this crush was in the old days.

It was in the years before the “Chinese Mental Illness Classification Scheme and Diagnostic Criteria” was revised.
Homosexuality was defined as sexual perversion, which was one of the mental illnesses.

And at the time, no country in the world had passed a same-sex marriage law.

There was no precedent to refer to at all.

An unprecedented fear arose in Shen Wenqiu’s heart. ‘No, this was not allowed.’

Lu Yong’s feelings for him were not as friends, but he likes him? What about him? What was he thinking in his own heart? Shen Wenqiu didn’t dare to think about it at all.

In an instant, he seemed to have seen his father looking at him with disappointment and saw the eyes of others pointing at him in disgust.
His inner world collapsed and the world was spinning.

Would he be sent to a mental hospital for treatment and would he have to eat a lot of drugs and become crazy? Shen Wenqiu was so scared that he almost trembled.

Lu Yong asked, “…Why are you here?”

Lu Yong just took a step forward.
Shen Wenqiu stepped back in surprise, bumped into the table and the book on the table fell off.

“*Clatter*”

When Lu Yong saw the notebook, his expression changed dramatically.

Shen Wenqiu was too flustered, he didn’t say a word and subconsciously wanted to pick up the notebook he dropped.
But when he got it, Lu Yong had already walked up close to him.

Shen Wenqiu’s reaction was as if he was afraid of getting caught by some germs, so he jumped aside and looked at Lu Yong in horror.

As if his heart was broken, Lu Yong gave him a pitiful look, “Don’t be afraid of me…” Shen Wenqiu’s lips trembled.
Only a weak voice, but unable to speak.

Lu Yong stretched out his hand towards him.
But as if he didn’t dare to touch him, he shrank back, looked at him silently and said in a low voice hoarsely, “I’m sorry.”

Shen Wenqiu was drenched in a cold sweat and his face was pale.

Lu Yong took half a step closer.
As if he had given up and as if he had no choice, his voice was filled with tenderness and there was also a faint paranoia and madness that could not be separated, “I like you.
Shen Wenqiu.
”

“It’s not a liking between friends, it’s the kind of liking of wanting to date you and wanting to make love to you.”

When Shen Wenqiu heard this, it was like he woke up from a dream.
He finally moved and ran away as if he were escaping.
Although he did not refuse blatantly, his attitude had already explained everything.

He ran away as if he was so afraid that Lu Yong would catch up to him.

After fleeing far, Shen Wenqiu realised that he was still clutching the notebook in his hand.

Shen Wenqiu looked at the heavy notebook in his hand and flipped it at random.
It was full of words and it was almost finished.
He didn’t even dare to read it carefully, but only saw Lu Yong’s handwriting.
He got heartburn.

Shen Wenqiu couldn’t help but feel desperate.

‘What is he doing?’

Shen Wenqiu didn’t have a bag and he also didn’t have a pocket on his body that could hold the book.
In the end, he could only take the book directly in his hand in the hassle of getting away.

This book was full of Lu Yong’s love for him that he couldn’t face directly.

Although Shen Wenqiu knew that others could not see, just walking with it in the crowd made him afraid.
He was really afraid, afraid that he would be seen through at any time.

He felt that he had become someone of another race, a monster that was unacceptable to humans.

He just put on the skin of a normal person and mixed in.

He passed by a large trash can.

Shen Wenqiu looked at the notebook in his hand, and felt that he should throw it away.
He walked to the trash can muddle-headed, closed his eyes, gritted his teeth and threw it in.

He heard the soft sound of a “*puff*” of the fall.

It sounded heavy and light at the same time.

It hurt more than a knife in the heart.

Shen Wenqiu took a few breaths and turned to walk away.
Before he took two steps, he saw an aunt come over and turn over the trash can.

Anyway, it was thrown away.
It was better to throw it away.
Shen Wenqiu said repeatedly in his heart.

The aunt murmured, “What a good book, why is it thrown away? Tsk, it was already all written.
It won’t be worth a few dollars to sell waste paper…”

Shen Wenqiu felt that his feet were firmly glued to the ground.
He couldn’t help it.
He turned around and hurried back to get the book back, “Grandma, this is mine.
Please return it to me.”

She was still not willing to return it, “Is your name written on it? It’s yours then? You don’t want it anymore, just give it to me.”

Shen Wenqiu didn’t need any dignity at all.
He blushed and argued with her on the roadside in shame, “It’s mine, it’s mine! Please give it back to me!!”

Shen Wenqiu snatched the book over and trotted away.

Shen Wenqiu came to the bus station unknowingly.
In the past two years, he ran between his own home and Lu Yong’s home.
He could walk these several roads with his eyes closed, so he came here subconsciously.
When there were no seats left for the bus to go home, he just stood and waited.

The bus arrived.

Shen Wenqiu numbly followed the crowd into the bus.
When he reached the door of the car, he stopped for two seconds and looked back in the direction of Lu Yong’s house.

No one was there.
Lu Yong didn’t come.

The driver asked, “What are you doing blocking the doorway? Are you going to get on the bus or not?”

Shen Wenqiu lowered his head, got on the bus, took a seat in the last row and put Lu Yong’s notebook on his lap.

Because he threw it into the trash can just now, it was all dirty.
Shen Wenqiu fished his trousers’ pocket.
He didn’t bring any tissue, so he used his sleeve to wipe the cloth on stains of the book cover.
It couldn’t be wiped clean.

He also knew that it would not be able to be wiped clean, but he just wanted to wipe it.
But the more he wiped, the more he wanted to cry.

There was no one else besides him, so he summoned the courage to open it.

There was something in the thick book, Shen Wenqiu turned to the end.
It was a group photo of the two of them.

A group photo taken when they went to the amusement park together.

It was a fine and sunny day.
They took pictures with the mascots in the amusement park.
Frankly, Lu Yong didn’t look handsome.
He didn’t know how to take pictures looking at the lens of the camera, and his expressions and movements were very stiff.
He still remembered that he coaxed Lu Yong repeatedly to relax and smile a little.
Lu Yong pulled the corners of his mouth into a strange smile, which made him laugh out loud.

This moment was frozen in frame.

Lu Yong wrote a poem on the other side of the photo:

[I used to love you.

Love, maybe

hasn’t died completely in my mind yet,

I hope it won’t bother you anymore,

I don’t want to make you sad anymore.

I once loved you silently and hopelessly,

I endured both shyness and the suffer of jealousy,

I used to love you so sincerely and so tenderly,

May God bless you,

Another person will love you as much as I do.]

The due date was a few days ago.

Shen Wenqiu’s nose became sour.

The little bit of courage he had managed to build up instantly shattered and Shen Wenqiu couldn’t continue reading it any longer.
He knew it himself that if he looked a few more times, he might cry and he might even act very irrational.

This was wrong no matter how one thought about it.

This is not right.

Shen Wenqiu sniffed and silently said to himself, ‘this is not right’.

Whether it was for him or for Lu Yong.

……

Field side.

Lu Yong and Shen Wenqiu walked back.
One in front and one at the back.
One foot deep and one foot shallow.

The two spoke under the open wide sky, recounting the details of that year.

Shen Wenqiu just finished crying, but he didn’t stop it well.
He still had a sobbing tone, burping from time to time and said slowly, “I was just scared.
I was too cowardly and I was still young at that time… …But I had already pushed the matter of going abroad and I just wanted to tell you at that time.”

Lu Yong, “En, I was very surprised later, why didn’t you go abroad.
I didn’t know them well, so I couldn’t ask.
I thought it was you who didn’t get accepted…”

‘Lu Yong’s stinky mouth!’ Shen Wenqiu burst into tears and laughed, “I was accepted.
I was still very outstanding at that time.
Who are you looking down on?”

Lu Yong panicked and apologized stupidly, “I didn’t mean it that way.
Your grades were so good, you would definitely be able to be accepted.
That’s why I’m even more surprised..”

Then Wenqiu smiled, “I know…”

Lu Yong held it back for a while and then asked, “Then my…Was my love letter thrown away by you?”

Shen Wenqiu said, “I wanted to throw it away initially.
But I was reluctant to throw it away, so I brought it back in the end.”

But when Shen Wenqiu moved into his house, he had no luggage and he didn’t have that book at all.

Shen Wenqiu sighed deeply.
He looked at the sky and said, “I didn’t dare to leave it at home either for fear of being discovered by my dad, so I always took it with me.
Later, my family went bankrupt.
I packed my luggage and moved out.
I put the diary in a cardboard box with some other books, but I lost it after I sent it out.
I looked for them at several places, but I couldn’t find them.
”

“Sorry.”

“It doesn’t matter.” Lu Yong was not angry at all.
He said very honestly, “I can still write for you again.”

Shen Wenqiu blushed slowly.

Lu Yong leaned closer to him, wanting to hold his hand, “Can I fall in love with you?”

Shen Wenqiu looked at him quietly for a while, then still shook his head.

Even though he had been disappointed countless times, Lu Yong still felt extremely frustrated, “Then I, then I will come back tomorrow to ask ……”

Shen Wenqiu shook his head again, “That’s not what I meant.
I have something to ask first.
Dayong, I sent you an invitation to a banquet hosted to thank the teachers for the college entrance examination, why didn’t you come? Originally, maybe we’ll be reconciled by then…”