”I woke up in the middle of the night to see if he was still there or gone. I got up from my bed. My body was still aching with the tremendous pain in my back and legs, plus my head was feeling so heavy that my neck was barely lifting it. I felt my feet had turned to ice after I placed them on the floor. I pulled the blanket off and staggered towards the door. My vision started blurring the entire scene and my room was circling. I held the handle of the door and tried to push it down but I fell… And I… I remember nothing afterward. ”
She was telling me all that while sitting on the other side of my desk. She was shivering from head to toe. She didn look me in the eye for once. She was scared. But of what? Of me? I didn even know her at that moment then why was she scared? I didn know what to do. Though, I was her doctor. Why was I taking her personally? She was just my patient. Nothing else. But how could I know when she didn even tell me anything more than those few repeated lines?
My mind was flooding up with this whole Q and A session, but I put myself back together and looked at her. ”Whom are you afraid of? ” I asked her while putting my arms on the edge of the table.
She looked at my hands and answered calmly, ”I am afraid of my insecurities. I am afraid of who I am not. ”
”Who are you, then? ”
”I don know yet… But I know that Im not that person who is sitting in front of you, in sweat and shivers. ”
”What made you think that you
e not that person? ”
”What made you think that Im that person? ”
I didn know what to say. She was right. How could I judge her? Maybe she was not like that from the beginning. I should have asked her more appropriate questions. I didn even know how to handle my patient. During my mind battles, she said nothing. I gathered my attention back to her and took a deep breath.
”What made you that person who you are not? ”
”The incident that I told you about before. ”
”Tell me the whole. ”
”Can I trust you? ”
”Yes! You can. Im your doctor. Your every information will always remain between the two of us. ”
”No! I mean… Can I trust you? That YOU, who is sitting in front of me? Are you sure that you are YOU who you truly are? ”
I stared at her. This time, she was looking at me with her eyes open wide. There was a bit of dampness in her brown eyes, which caused them to shine like they were holding all the light of her soul and the universe in it. I was so into her at that moment, but I realized she was waiting for my reply. Fearfully, I shifted my gaze.
”I don understand what you are saying.. but this person will not break your trust, no matter what, ” I replied to her with an assuring smile.
She looked at me and forced a smile.
Only four weeks ago, I met this girl and now I couldn be able to sleep, not because I was in love with her but because she was something like no one else. She was mystical, beautiful, but unpredictable. My mind had a company where all my queries battled with my senses, now there were several increases in my enemies. Her unanswerable queries. She always gave me headaches. Still, I found peace in that chaos. The only difference was that my mind interrogated my insecurities and her interrogated universal truths or myths. She was something not for herself thats why she never knew that person who was sitting in front of me. I based my first level of dissatisfaction on my insecurities because I knew myself. And she.. she didn know herself. We were on the same road in the same vehicle, but with different maps.
I was thinking all of this while lying in my bed. A message popped up on my phone.
”Hi! Doc. Can I come to see you tomorrow? I have something to discuss. Regards, Aabi. ”
I replied swiftly.
”Hey! Yeah, sure. Ill be free around noon. You can come to my office. ”
”Okay. See you tomorrow, then. Doctor. ”
Why did she always call me doc? Or doctor? She could call me by my name or just by saying ”Doctor Skyler ”. Hunh.
On the very next day, I was waiting for the clock needles to coincide directly with numeric 12, but I had to wait with patience. ”Patience always yields the desired results ” The quote popped up in my mind. I started thinking about what she was going to ask. Why did she want to discuss this with me? Despite being a mere psychologist, I was just a doctor who treated her head injury and ankle twist in her unconscious state. There was no other doctor when she came in emergency. Luckily, I had my emergency training. Why was I different from any other doctor? Yeah! I was different because I knew the story of that head injury. No one else, not even her family.
”Dr. Skyler? ” Noor called my name.
Noor, the most beautiful and enthusiastic woman, was my nurse. She always worked with me. She was one of the passionate women I had known. Plus, she was single and 23. I sometimes wonder why she remained single until then. She should have given herself a chance to taste the sweetness of love, the comfort of empathy, and feel secure in all insecurities.
”Yes? Noor. ”
”Its the time, ” she pointed at the clock with her eyes, ”You can have your tea break. Patients can wait. ”
”How many are left? ”
”Almost 15. ”
”Okay! Is Aabi here? ”
”Who Aabi? ”
”Umm… Im sorry. Just a patient. Appointment at 12. Private appointment. Not through the hospital. ”
”Okay. Ill take care of it. You can have your time. ”
”Hi! ” she said. She was looking pretty as usual in her unequal haircuts and curved lips. The blue muffler was looking cool around her neck which was complimenting her blue woolen cap.
”Thank you so much for sparing some time for me. ”
”Yeah! Its okay. You can ask whatever you want to. ”
”Am I healthy enough to go hiking? ”
”Umm… How is your foot? ”
”Its fine… I can walk easily. ”
”But I think you should avoid going for that. Why don you ask an orthopedic surgeon about this? ”
”I don like doctors. I found it easy to have your suggestion. Well, I have to think of some legit excuse. ”
I was feeling euphoric, but controlled my emotions and replied.
”Excuse is a lie. ”
”Well! You can lie sometimes to save something. ”
”Something like? ”
”Something good, that needs to be saved. Don you think we all are saved under layers of lies? ”
”Yes! But these layers won let the light reach the bottom. You can hide an angel under dozens of devils. It doesn protect the angel. It engulfs it. ”
”Yeah! But.. maybe this time, I will let the devil win. ” She seemed confident.
”To save an angel? ” I encountered it swiftly.
”No. To defeat the greater evil. ”
I had nothing to say now. I was answerless. Or maybe question less. I said that I had to leave for my duty. I got up and left while she was still sitting.
She said loudly, ”Thank you, take care. ”
I smiled and murmured, ”Goodbye, Aabi. ”
That night was like a nightmare to me. I couldn stop thinking about him. I had been like this since my childhood. I had been seeing people in my dreams. But that was not a dream or a nightmare. It was real. It always felt like my soul left my body to meet with others. I had been to many psychologists because of my mother. She thought I was born mentally ill, or I had been hexed. But that day, something was different. I was talking to that old man. He was so old and then suddenly he vanished. The next thing I felt was darkness. I felt like his soul had left this world. I had been finding him since then, but never found him again in my dreams.
I was thinking all of this while walking in the backyard.
I always loved this lawn because my father and I used to play here. I had pretty splendid memories of him until one day; he died in a car crash.
”Hey! Come indoors. Someone is here to meet you, ” my mother called out while waving her hand at me.
I waved her back as an ”Okay ” response.
I went back to the living room, where doctor Skyler was already sitting and sipping tea.
”Hey! Aabi. How are you? ”, he started the conversation.
”Im good. What are you doing here? ”
”Behave! I call him here. I think you
e not over that incident, so I want you to talk to him. He is…. ”, my mother interfered.
I cut her off, ”Mom! I don need any help. He is a doctor not our servant to call him anytime. You also gave him my contact number, knowing that it is against the ethical rules of the relationship between a doctor and a patient. ”
”Hey… Its okay. She is your mother. She just cares for you a lot and… Yes! I am not your servant. She paid me twice the amount of follow-up fee, just for you, ” he added.
My mother was looking down at the floor. Then, she looked at me and left for the kitchen saying, ”I just want my daughter to be happy and normal. ”
Dr. Skyler was looking right at me while sipping his cup of tea.
”What is happening to you? I want to know. I can help you in finding you, your happiness. ”
”I am happy. My mother just gets scared, sometimes. ”
”Your mother is not here. I want to hear about you. ”
”Well! There is nothing to tell. That day, I just had… a .. a nightmare of an old man. This is it. ”
”What old man? Can I check your pulse while you tell me all that so I can see if its disturbing you physically? ”
I presented my arm towards him. Though he was sitting close to me, still he leaned forward and put his two fingers on the corner of my wrist. He again started looking at me with his shining blue eyes. As soon as he touched me, he jolted my hand quickly and stood up.
”What happened? ”, I interrogated shockingly.
”Nothing. I will get back to you soon. I have to go somewhere, I forgot. ”
He headed straight to his car and left.
Who was she? She was not just a normal human being. Why couldn I be able to seek her past? Even though I was not just an ordinary seeker, I was a visioner. I had to find that out before someone else approached her. I decided to summon my master. He was the only person I could trust.
I sat on my bedroom floor and placed both of my hands in front of my chest. My left hand was straight open and the other one was bounding in a fist. I closed my eyes and held my hands together and started murmuring.
”I know you
Here in my heart
Im seeking you
Cos my heart is scarred. ”
He didn come. I repeated again and again but he never appeared. I couldn sleep that night. I wished mom were here to help me. I missed her every second of my life. I missed my home, my cliques, and my ”Burg ”.
The next day, I was sitting in my office, dealing with patients and seeking their pasts. I was never born a visioner. I was bestowed with it after my mother died. I left my home and my family after that. It had been twenty years; I had not seen their faces. Johan came to see me only once. He had been living with father and Rocio—my beloved sister. I wanted to go back but couldn .
I recognized; my door had been knocking for a while. Aabi was waiting for my authorization to come in. I granted the permission. I was feeling so embarrassed and confused about the event that happened, worst of all, I didn know what to tell her.
She sat across from me. I couldn look into her eyes for the first time.
”Doctor? Are you okay? ” She broke the ice.
”Yes! I am very well. How are you feeling today? ”
”I am doing okay. I was perturbed about your behavior last evening. Umm… Can I? Can I question you about that? ”
I gathered all the courage in me and looked up. Her eyes were my favorite place to get lost in. There was a blank question mark on her face.
”Nothing. I was thinking lately that I cannot handle your case anymore. I am not seeing much improvement. ”
”But I don think this is the main reason. ”
”What made you say that? How can it be something else? ”, I retaliated like it was a debate.
She remained silent but kept looking at me. I was shaking my leg continuously.
All of a sudden, I heard the sound of water droplets dripping continuously behind me. He came. At last! My face filled with happiness as I was going to see him after ten years. I wanted to turn around but I got a look at Aabis flushed face. Her eyes were wide open. I could sense the fear and tension in the room. I began to feel the unsatisfaction of her in me; just as our souls had conjoined.
I let my overwhelmingness dominate over her unsatisfactory vibes and turned around.
”Greetings! ”, Luca announced.
I didn say a word. I ran into him and hugged him with all my strength.
”I missed you! ”, I whispered on his chest as my tears started rolling.
He hugged me back with his wide arms. His long, rough, green-colored coat was drenched in water. I looked up at his face. He got older and weaker than before but the shininess of his grey eyes was still maintained. He patted my head with love.
I was suddenly concerned about Aabis presence. I let go of Lucas body and turned back.
She had already left.
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